When I was little, I used to play hide and seek by myself. I mean, not exactly by myself, there were people around, like my parents or whoever took me to the park, but they didn’t exactly know we were playing. I think that’s what made it fun back then.
I always preferred hiding over searching. Searching felt like too much pressure, like what if I found someone I didn’t want to find? And the thought of not finding someone also annoyed me. I don’t like losing, you know? I think that was fair, for a kid at least.
When I hid, though, I decided the rules. I decided who I was hiding from. Sometimes it was my parents, sometimes strangers, and sometimes just everyone. Like, the whole world.
I’d hide behind a bench or those long slides and pretend everyone outside was dangerous. That if I was found, I’d lose in a way I didn’t really understand. It was dramatic, sure, but I was very committed to the bit. My parents would panic sometimes and run around shouting my name like headless chickens. When that happened, I wouldn’t move, just giggle a little while watching them from my little corner. I don’t know why, but I liked it. It felt relieving to finally have control over the whole situation. Like, if I decided I wanted to ease their panic, I could come out, but if I didn’t, I could just enjoy watching them.
As weird as it might sound, I still think like that sometimes. It’s pleasant knowing I can change the way things are going through a little action, to know I’m not always fully controlled like a doll.
Eventually, I’d come out when food was mentioned or when I got bored. I’d act all casual and nonchalant, like I’d just wandered off or something. The adults never found it as funny as I did. I hope I never become old and boring.
When I had to be the seeker, I played differently. I’d walk around slowly, visiting all the places I’d hide if I were them. I’d talk out loud too, because it felt like part of the rules. Like, “Hmm, if I were my friend, where would I hide?” Even when I knew no one would answer.
Sometimes I’d wait for a response anyway. Stand there and hold my breath, just to see if something would talk back, if something moved. Every now and then, the silence would get a bit too thick, and I’d get this weird feeling like I wasn’t as alone as I thought. Like something else was also playing, but not for the same reasons.
When that happened, I’d blurt out something dumb like, “Nevermind!” or “I gave you enough time to respond, I don’t seek an answer no more!” Because if I said it out loud, it meant the game was over, right?
Right?
Anyway, I think I stopped playing at some point, but I don’t remember when. Sometimes I catch myself hiding again, though. Hide from my family in the corner of the room, giggling again when I hear them call my name. Or in the closet, holding my breath, trying to catch anything out of place when I’m home alone.
I still seek too. Like when I look for my dad to ask for money or suddenly pull the curtains to scare anything that might have hid behind it. Same way. Same logic. Same strategy.
Like maybe the game never really ended. I just got better at it.
I feel like this time Ill lose though